No control
I've never had this.
ever.
I've never been struck dumb by something.
someone.
I feel like my lungs are closing in
God, is this for real?
am i really hyperventilating..
i've lost it.
i've lost my cool, lost control. lost all the stability and strength i had. and now i'm just weak.
i had it all together
but one person has pulled the rug from under me.
without even realising.
Pull me up to the surface in time to dunk me under again
feeling hurt and surprisingly betrayed
which i shouldn't
stupid me. thinking i was the only one...
Ha. i thought myself into this little perfect situation
but nothing's as perfect as it seems.
not even love.
and life never lives up to the fantasies your mind can create.
life never lives up to what you can dream of
jealousy for some stupid reason seems so fitting
and my own blunder hurts
so much
that i can't breathe
and tears are my only release.
Are we really on the same planet?
You seem miles and miles away.
Are you sure you're not just made of mist?
all my words and messages slip through you
untouched, unnoticed.
missing your heart and head
are they even contemplated?
I want to give up, now.
All this chasing has made me so tired.
So easily.. i know.
but why compete with what seems to have already won.
This silly thing i waited for and believed in
is starting to lose its sparkle.
Maybe i am, too.
Is it worth sticking it out for?
you tell me.
i know you're worth it.
but is there really any point..
i'm finding it hard to breathe, my dear
"we've got these chains
hanging around our necks
people want to strangle us with them
before we take our first breath
afraid of change
afraid of staying the same
when temptation calls
we just look away.."
so raw
so rough
a page torn
from a angst-driven story
stuck in this box
with them all peering in
wind around the crank, my dear
and start to crush me flat
like a cardboard Katie cut-out.
forgive me father
but i'm fallin in love
and that's all i have for confession today.
I concede
that you were right about this place
i can make a perfect likeness of your body
if i trace
I can hold you until you turn out the light
and i can't see
do you believe that we are all innately good
do you think that you would love me till tomorrow
if you could
would you please turn down the radio
so we can speak
i regret every time i raised my voice
and it wouldn't be that smart of me to say
i had no choice
i can kiss your eyes, your hair, your neck
until we forget
i concede
that you were right about this place
i can make a perfect likeness of your body
if i trace
i can hold you until you turn out the light
and i can't see.
i can't see.
Was it a mistake?
to try at all?
a failed relationship to add to the small pile.
but this time it was my fault this one ended, wasn't it?
Was it a mistake?
to try at all?
to take a stab in the dark for some happiness.
i'm not sure if i'm pleased with my choices
when it came to the crunch.
to chose the forward approach..
unusual experiences.
not sure if i regret them or not.
but i feel i went against myself a little.
i do regret the way it was sometimes
and i do regret possibly stuffing up something that could be better.
he cared.
and so did i
but maybe i didn't treat him as well as i could
fear
just took over
with such familiarity
and like a wounded horse i backed and ran away
things are patched
sewed back together like a quilt
or my favourite shirt that ripped
yet i wonder if he wishes it hadn't happened at all.
Moi? jealous?
Ha!
well, okay. maybe a little.
who is she anyway?
some chick you picked up
when i wasn't around?
so she's much more of a slut than me.
i roll my eyes at your ways.
though jesus, you are one of my best friends.
and i admit
there was a time when we were more than that.
but i don't want that now.
i just don't want you with her.
am i selfish or *what*?
Tears well up in my lower lid
ready to fall down these well-used cheeks
such an interesting point of view
you comment on my shattered appearance.
dammit. such a choice.
wanting something i can't have.
not just a challenge
not just an interest
but something i truly want more in my life.
greed?
you can call it greed.
not like i expected you to understand, anyway.
sin's my best friend.
i haven't seen you in years
until
you popped up out of the blue
asking questions
and commenting on my life.
so what?
i'm falling for him
i pray to God i don't hit the ground too hard.
Some famous guy
who thought a lot
said, "love makes life worthwhile."
I thought, "he might be right!"
"he has a point!"
and i might give his theory a trial.
So i thought long and hard about my life,
about my friends, family and kin
and i realised that the love i feel for them
really comes from within.
So i realise that life is no piece of cake
and there are times that'll get you down
But with my closest friends around i'll never wear a frown.
If you go through life with a loving heart
and your mind like an open book,
you'll see that "love makes life worthwhile",
if you only take a look.
The sun rises on another morning
and the darkness that surrounds me turns to light.
The road is clouded with the shadows of the trees
around this silent house,
and the air is brisk and cold.
you're nowhere near, but i find some comfort in the
fact that you may be
thinking of me or may have already seen the sunrise..
a small part of me was there. beside you.