i wish i could answer this question of yours

In the darkness of my thoughts

All poetry by Kat Angus. A poem set about all the dark thoughts troubling my mind. My favourite of this set is "Influences", which is so true it scares me. It's exactly how i feel day to day.. that whether i'm happy or depressed depends on you. Yes you, the people who live around me, who are my friends, who love me.

-Deluge-

I learned tonight
that there's no point
going to wash off your makeup
when you've
cried
it
all
away.

-I want to be-

I want to be
a mother and carer to friends in need

i want to be
a lover who loves and gives
with all her heart and very being.

I want to be
a friend who they can run to
who they love to have around

i want to be
a singer whose voice is so beautiful
she stops people in their tracks

i want to be
a girl whose heart is so kind and good
that no-one would ever hurt me again

i want to be
with a person who i will love
regardless of age difference, colour or beliefs
who will love me for who i am

But for now
i will just try to be all those things
while still being content
with just being.

-Trying-

I wish i could answer
this question of yours
but the cold hand of truth
lays down the law
the faceless entities
surround my limbs
and i feel like i'm chained
so
tight
tight
to the wall.

I want to breathe you in
i want to live this lie

but instead
i die.
without you.

-Descent-

As she sits
in the darkness of her own thoughts
sand falls through the hourglass
counting down
she starts to fall
her fingernails scratching against the walls
trying to get a grip; a hold
"stop! please, let me rise!"
she is unheard
indentations
scrapes
where she's tried to keep afloat
she lands; bruised and broken
"you've ruined me
you've taken away all my dignity"
her screams echo through it all
as she lies in a crumpled
ruined
heap
on the floor.

-I should leave you-

i can unlock this cage
metal bars have never stopped me before
fear of what lies beyond; fear of what i might find
"you're just too used to my honey now.."
i want to kick you
i want to scream my lungs out at you
let it all tumble on the floor in front of you
so you can see what a mess
you are making
of me.

i don't bleed
and i am not bruised anymore
you are not the scarrer; the soul-ripper
but you are hurting me
all the same.

-Influences-

Within these walls
i sit, unafraid
of what sits outside in the world

within these walls
i can sing, i can dance
i can be whoever my imagination dares

within these walls
i am untouched, out of danger
except for the danger that my heart
continues to lead me into.
Today i am not broken.

today i am NOT broken.

But tomorrow
within these walls
i may be curled up
clutching linen between fingers
head buried in the tear-stained sheets.

It depends on you.

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