Welcome to 2005 - the new year has truly arrived. You may have noticed that the photos have changed a little and that there hasn't been a lot of updates. I'm working on that - definitely one of my resolutions this year is to make sure this place is updated as often as it can be.

Speaking of resolutions, there is a new subsection for my planned Projects for the year. Take a look, egg me on, mock me for my attempts at self-improvement. I really do believe that I can get this shit done, however. It should fill in a lot of time. Not long til I head to Japan now.

Keep checking in, it's nice to see your face.

"You say the word you know I will find you
Or if you need some time, I don't mind
..I don't hold onto the tail of your kite.."
(Tori Amos, 'Sleeps with Butterflies')

18th Dec 04
Merry Christmas, everyone!

Music has swallowed me whole and kept me warm these past few months. I am finding it an enormous comfort to have my favourites around whenever I need them; my girls to visit. I am also finding that I am feeling rather inspired most of the time but never have a chance to write. Hopefully tomorrow I can give that a crack.

The site has been neglected as usual, but I am getting back into it now I am managing my time better. Christmas will, of course, take a lot of that time over the next few weeks and I will be away in January but I promise to bring more website love soon. Love situation is better and optimism is sticking around this week. Love to you.

"I'll find a way..
to see you again.." (Rachel Yamagata, 'I'll find a way')

13th Oct 04
Newly single (in the most depressing of ways - an overseas venture NOT on my part) I am really pondering what relationships are all about. And how the hell you try and understand someone you're still in love with being thousands of miles away and wanting to see other people. I can't even think about it. In other news, I apologise for the site being down, things went hectic. Even though I am still in New Zealand, everything is hosted in Minnesota. But it's fixed and hopefully I will have better updates soon!

Alright peeps. Stay smiling, eh? If I can, anyone can. Keep checking for updates.

What makes a life 'successful'? Over the past 6 months I have been noticing how much emphasis is based on college - in the movies, people you talk to, personal opinions. Is one's life more successful because of a degree? Am I throwing my life away?
In the US I was often asked what I am doing and if I am studying. When given my no college answers, I was often greeted with understanding yet disappointed faces. People look at you like you're not going to make something of yourself because you didn't spend thousands of dollars learning things you'll never use. Am I a failure because I decided not to study French and Classical Music at some stuffy school? Am I a failure because I live at home and work in retail? Does this give me no future?

I have been rejected from my top performing arts school twice now. I was close both times and the last time broke my heart. They want me to come back but it's expensive, intensive and as I said, involves a lot of heartache. Even with being in the business as long as I have (which is long for my age) and having had hundreds of rejections, some things still hit you hard. Do I put myself through that again, even though the directors told me I was good enough to simply continue in the field? Do I try and go to a lesser school just so I'm busy and have some nice words to put on my resume? Or do I keep auditioning and writing and singing and hope that something will break through for me?
A large number of american films place a huge emphasis on going to college and getting an education. I can understand why: they want their kids to see it as important; they want them to go on to big and bright things. But do they realise how this same positive thing can be turned upside down to people like me? I'm considered bright. I left highschool with As, have a high vocabulary and am an excellent saleswoman, speaker and communicator. I chose to continue my life musically and be free of exams and expectations. Yet with every film that shows highschool kids leaving for college I feel more and more like.. well, a failure. My friends have degrees - sure, some of them may not use them but maybe if I got one my family and other older adults around me might look at me like I was worth something.

Well guess what? I am worth something. It's taken me a long time to see it, but the next person who asks me about college I won't be apologising to. I know I have something - I've trained and worked my ass off to have the acting and singing skills to show my best. And one thing I do have that I have been blessed with is talent. Retail is a way to pay the bills and save to get out of here for a little while and I see nothing wrong with that. When did being a musician become something of such little importance?

I am who I am and who I am needs no excuses. (And cue David now!) Back to Main